NB: Opinions expressed are mine.  Therefore they should not be taken seriously, except if its true

I have always been impressed and a bit amazed by the number of foreigners I meet, seeking local insights to setup shop in Lagos.

Why would anyone choose the complete insanity of Lagos’ chaos over the ordered sameness of first world life?

Our world is so alien to the first world foreigner, that we might as well be  from the planet of the apes.What prompts them to leave their ordered world, where everything works and plunge headfirst into the chaos that is Lagos and Nigeria?

Does Nigeria really  have that much to offer, potentially? Are we so blinded by poverty that we cant see how easily we can all be as rich as Arab Sheiks?

There are those who believe this massive influx of foreigners (South Africans, Chinese, Indians, Israelis, British, etc) is a re-colonisation of sorts. I beg to differ.I believe this massive influx of foreigners is a good thing. At least if we gain nothing else, we will learn resilience.

Resilience? From Westerners? Unus, are you on drugs again?

Yes. But that’s besides the point.

 

I say resilience, because  the West didn’t build itself into such a successful and organised society because they had things easy. They built it, because, things were tough.

One does not achieve greatness because; one achieves greatness despite

Lagos is for the tough in body and spirit and I am eager to see how my foreign clients will tackle the task that is Nigeria. Let them teach me some resilienc. Let me learn me some smarts. Let me see my beloved country, through the eyes of a foreign entrepreneur. Let’s see how to use local insights to deploy foreign strategy

Even an ass knows not to keep butting its head on a stonewall

Which is why I have decided to write this piece for:

Foreigners

to open their eyes to some of the challenges they will face in Lagos and to see how they have/will cope

Nigerians

to read along, laugh at my inappropriate jokes, and to share with any foreigner they might know,who is thinking of or is in the process of setting up a business in Lagos.

 

There are 1001 things that should keep you away from Lagos, but wont!

 

 

 

Don’t be fooled. Lagos is not cheap

part of the reason why we have broader noses than the rest of the world is because we are forced to pay through our noses for everything.

It will probably cost you an  arm an a leg to reproduce the lifestyle you are used to in Jo’burg or Cape Town, or  Los Angeles.

Check out Mercer’s 2014 Cost of Living City Rankings here.

And what is annoying is not  that things are expensive in Lagos but that expensive things in Lagos are usually crap.

Take our hotels for instance. Most of them are expensive and useless compared to hotels in other international cities. See for yourself

A South African client of mine once complained that in Lagos, there were few if any 5 star hotels, that  our cocktails were too expensive, good clinics were expensive and hard to find, that she had no idea where to get good coffee, and that movies were premiered on the average, a week late in Nigerian cinema halls.

 

 

Once, after paying for a weekend stay at the  beautiful Sheraton in the Gambia, Higgs and I realised that it costs practically the same to rent a flat in some parts of the island (Ikoyi, Lekki, VI). We also realized that the only difference between the Sheraton in Gambia and my apartment is that one is crap and one isn’t.

An evil spirit is responsible for the Lagos traffic

I know y’all foreigners think we Nigerians are superstitious and that we blame *evil spirits for everything.

*said evil spirit is also responsible for the delays in brilliant attempts to solve the traffic problems in Lagos. See for yourself

But…

When you’re 45 minutes late for that potentially life changing meeting due to a freak traffic jam, you’ll agree with me.

My point is, anything that makes you look like an incompetent joker must be an evil spirit. I don’t see how I can be wrong on that one… and I don’t see how anyone can disagree with me.

Now that you’ve been persuaded by my superior argument I think it is only fair to warn you that:

 

 

Lagosians are not always logical, but we always make sense

The lyrics to a popular song goes something like

 if you dey ride okada today, no worry, one dey you fit drive hummer.

 

Logic tells us that  only 1 in every 9 okada rider will ever own a hummer but yet, every okada rider in Nigeria thinks that his chances are quite high.

Logical?

No? Makes sense? Yes?

Take this article as further proof

Is it logical?

No? Makes sense?- e wanna make sense die?

Take my last sentence as even further proof (if you’re convinced already, just skip the next paragraph)

Think about it, what does e wanna make sense die? even mean. If something makes sense to death as the phrase suggests, doesn’t that imply it doesn’t make sense at all? Yet, e wanna make sense die? is by some twisted logic supposed to mean that it really, really makes a lot of sense.

Logical? No?

Makes sense? Yes?

Move on already, we get your frigging point!!!

 

Lagosians like any one that looks rich

Some of my white clients are amazed to find how easily doors are opened for them  and how easily they make  business contacts in Lagos.

I hesitate to tell them that it is because of the colour of their skin because it is a half-truth.

The whole truth is that many Nigerian entrepreneurs see dollar signs when they see a foreigner. When it becomes obvious that you are not a mobile bank, they become less friendly and  start to stonewall you.

We, Nigerian entrepreneurs are used to this bipolarity in attitude.

Once, I went for a meeting dressed like a million bucks and my would-be-Nigerian-client seemed more interested in my LV belt and Versace shoes than in the actual business we needed to discuss.  Sometimes, one gets the feeling that Nigerians are more interested in the aura of wealth and success that surrounds you than the actual commonsense or practicality of whatever you’re proposing.

 

 

 

 Boko Haram, Ebola, and general insecurity 

never mind that all Boko Haram attacks have been confined so far, to the north.

The truth is that the actual terror in terrorism is the fact that you never know where the terrorist might strike next. And even though my professional judgment says that Boko Haram will never strike in Lagos I am but human and there is the possibility that I am wrong.

There’s also the Nigerian police to deal with. Everyone knows that they make up for being spectacularly inefficient in policework by being spectacularly efficient tax collectors. And mark my words; sooner or later, you will pay your tax.

 

As if this kafkaesque world called Lagos was not mind numbingly chaotic enough, events have added the extra layer of complexity called ebola.

I’m currently looking for a foreign partner/investor with whom we can start marketing anti-ebola hand sanitisers. Seriously!

So, if you’re here in Lagos to do business, keep in mind, the 1001 little things that might de-rail your billion dollar dreams. Also keep in mind that Nigeria has a burgeoning $1.4 trillion dollar consumer market –  that is if Ebola or Boko Haram doesn’t upset the apple cart before 2030.

 Unus is a copywriter  and insight marketer. He consults for  Chaos Theory , HQ Africa and several other brands too numerous to mention here for lack of space (both cyber and physical) and bandwidth and other techy stuff you don’t know about.