Meet the Chaos Theory team: The Official Chaos Theory Team Profile
Meet Team Chaos Theory
If we were living in the Marvel Comic universe we’d be known as the Fantastic Five (we would also be involved in a lawsuit with the rival group Fantastic Four). This is because we really do have superpowers and we are really superheroes.
Since we’re about to announce the launch of our action figures (and since they are going to sell at N15 000- about $100 each) we figured it’d be a good idea to let you know our individual powers. (And see us in our beautiful superhero costumes too).
Yes! We wear this to work everyday.
Team members
1. Higgs of Chaos
Position: Co-founder, the Chaos Theory team
Primary powers:
Higgs is a necro chronomancer. That means his primary strength is divining out the right time to strike during battle. He is also sort of a time traveller. Whilst he is spectacularly useless most times, he is irreplaceable in times of chaos. Being a chronomancer+ time traveller makes him a good source of information about future and past occurrences. And since he knows everything (like he often reminds us) he is often our first line of defence. (It is also due to his considerable weight; we assume his superiour body mass will absorb more pressure).
Other attributes:
He’s convinced we’re all daft, but after a few severe beatings, he has stopped saying it to our faces.
He learns fast.
Specific delusion:
He is convinced he is ALWAYS right but some things are hidden from even the master of time and space.
Favourite saying:
” What’s wrong with you people?”
“I rule over time and space; especially space for I AM HIGGS THE OVERWEIGHT CHRONOMANCER”
2. Unus of Chaos
Position: Co-founder, the Chaos Theory team
Primary powers: Unus has the unique yet unenviable ability to mimic everyone else’s power to varying degrees. So whilst he really has no unique power, he really has the most unique power of all. He is useful because he can not only cover up for any missing member of the team, he usually proves to be the missing ingredient the team needs to defeat difficult opponents. He can mimic Janus’ powers excellently; but he usually just makes a mess of it.
Other attributes
He is highly philosophical
Once he gets philospohical, other members of the team tell him to STFU
It pisses him off that Janus has considerable talents of philosophy too.
He and Janus are always squabbling
Specific delusion
He is convinced he is the Chosen One. However, he can’t remember what he has been chosen for.
Favourite saying:
He can’t remember and we won’t tell him for his own sake
“I didn’t say I AM ANUS, I said I AM UNUS”
Janus of Chaos
Position: Founding member of the Chaos Theory team
Primary Powers:
Janus has a master key with which he can unlock almost any door, portal, wormhole or heart. He works especially well with Sensei. (Together, they are unstoppable). As we like to say at our secret underground lair “When Janus says yes, almost nobody can say no”.
Other attributes
He is the in house playboy and his escapades with the ladies are stuffs made of legend.
He is also the in-house dandy and the team teases him (often cruelly) about his tastes and sensitivites
He is not sure if Unus is a Don Quixote or a charlatan. He and Unus are always squabbling
Specific delusion:
He is convinced he is god… just god
Favourite saying:
“I’m a doctor, I don’t have to do this”
“People say I am a pompous sod but I say I am Janus, the Pompous Sod”
Sensei of Chaos
Position: Founding member of the Chaos theory team
Primary Powers:
Sensei is our secret weapon. He has the ability to find the inherent weakness in any system. He works especially well with Janus and when they are in sync, nobody has been able to withstand them in battle. For some unexplained reason, Venus hangs on his every word, Higgs is his research assistant while Unus runs embarrassing personal errands for him.
Janus just respectfully keeps his distance.
Other attributes
You might hear him mutter something stupid about coke and b*tches
Do not be alarmed.
He really means Coca-Cola and hotdogs
Specific delusion
He is convinced he can find a weakness in anything.
We are convinced he is right
Favorite saying
It is well
“The big belly is a metaphor for my high intelligence. I expect you to swallow that for I am your Sensei”
Venus of Chaos
Position: Member of the Chaos Theory team
Primary Powers
Venus has the ability to bring calmness to any situation, battle or storm. Warring factions of barbarian tribes have been known to declare cease fires just to allow her read her morning newspapers. Even Janus and Unus do not dare to squabble in her presence.
Other attributes
She’s efficient
Her efficiency pisses us off
She takes the Chaos away from Chaos Theory
Her efficiency pisses us off
She makes sure things get done in an orderly fashion
Her efficeincey pisses us off
We’re sure God was playing classical music the day He made her
Her efficiency pisses us off
Specific delusion
She is sure she can negotiate her way through any situation
We suspect this is not a delusion
Favourite saying:
I will do my best
I will do my best”
Yeah right Venus, we know your game.
The End
Credits
Written by
Unus
Illustrations by
Peter (some dude)
Lack of Credibility/Research by
Venus
Lack of design by
Janus
This blog isn’t as cool as it should be because someone won’t help me with HTML5 by
Higgs
Can’t proofread cos I’m a genius programmer and genius programmers dont do trivial ish by
Sensei
Was held at gunpoint to finish this post by
Venus
Not sponsored by
traffikator.com
lol
Badass!